Old friends can know you too well (you can’t hide)

Do you ever try to be someone you’re not? Who will know you’ve got a mask on anyway, right?

Having old friends is a blessing (and a curse)! Why? Because, my dear, they knew you when. They know you almost as intimately as you know yourself. Hell, sometimes they might even know you better. They’ve seen you without your masks. They love you for who you are. And because of that — they rarely let you put those masks on.

For an introvert, who likes to fit in and go with the flow when in new environments, taking your oldest best friend (OBF) to a new social event can down right suck! But it’s part of why you love them. You don’t have to pretend when you are with them. You can be purely yourself. All the ‘challenges’ they create are done out of love… for you! They want you to be yourself always. They love you for it, so if someone else doesn’t — they’ll gladly kick their butt. (at least mine will!)

You know who else they won’t let you hide from? Yourself. They will be the first to call you out on your bull. Your excuses. Your drama. As they should! We all need someone to do this once in a while. Or more often, if you live in the melodramatic orbit I do. (But I’ve warned you before — I wear my heart on my sleeve and try to play full out, and that comes with an increased level of drama).

So I give credit where it’s due. My OBF (oldest best friend) deserves not only a gold star, but a whole damn wall of them! With a glass of wine to go with each one. (But you see, that’s only because I know her just as intimately as she knows me).

We’ve been a duo, my OBF and I, since before either of us can remember. We grew up on the same block. Guess we’ve been together since we were around 3–5 years old, but our moms can’t really remember, so…? Does it matter in the end? Nope! What matters is I’ve got her, and she’s got me. Always.

We’ve been there for first loves, babies and heartbreaks. Through the tears of sorrow and the tears of uncontrollable laughter. Seeing each other in our most raw states of being. Accepting each other and our eccentricities. Walking with the knowledge of what our childhoods were, and how our unique habits came to be. I think we might have brought out a couple of those quirks in each other, when we would wander the woods in our teens and philosophize as only anxy teens can. Contemplating the inconsistencies in the Bible stories and creating fantastical renditions of our own thoughts on creation and evolution.

But we’re not daydreaming teens anymore. We’ve got kids … and grandkids. We still know how to push each other’s buttons though and remember where the blackmail details are hidden! And that knowledge, that doesn’t just stay between her and I anymore. Nope! My OBF, she loves to share those tasty details with my kids. My kids are older than hers, venturing into adulthood now (well as adult as you can be in your 20’s). And I’ve noticed that as they get older, she is sharing a little more with them each year. Almost like she is preparing them to be keepers of the stories one day. Which quite ‘un-ironically’, is also what I’ve been doing.

I say ‘un-ironically’, because things with my OBF and I are always the epitome of synchronistic. Even from 400 miles away. So it doesn’t really surprise me that we have both started this process. We are known for the random phone calls, only to find out the other was calling to us with her soul. For finding meaning in similar symbols as we’ve moved through our life phases. And for having that unspoken knowing that only the most intimate relationships develop.

When I initially decided to write on this topic several weeks ago I had a different flow of thought in mind. But I was texting with my OBF earlier today, and our interaction made me realize I was missing the mark. The idea was meant to go here, to the depths of those long standing relationships and the intricacies of it all.

Let me explain a little more what I mean.

I get to see her about once a year, if we’re lucky. We live across the state from each other, both having busy lives. Her now in the meaty area of raising a child, me navigating the art of letting go and moving into enjoying grandkids. But we try to get in front of each other when we can.

So we planned a weekend at a lake cabin this year (nothing fancy, just four walls and a fire pit. We grew up trudging through the creek beds, so this is perfect for us). Her young daughter is coming along and my youngest with her boyfriend in tow.

Then today my OBF messaged me. Would I mind if she invited her day to day best friend and daughter along on the trip. What?! After 47 years this should have been no big deal. Yet my 23-year old child watched me have an absolute hissy fit as I read the message. I’m sure it was quite the sight, I’m embarrassed to say.

The 10-yr old girl came out first, in all her pouty whining. ‘How could she want to bring someone? Was I not good enough anymore?’ Then the anxy, indifferent teen arrived. ‘If that’s what you want to do, I don’t care. Bring her.’ None of which I said, by the way. Ultimately the older, calmer, wise woman won out and I responded with vulnerability and honesty. Letting her know that while I was open to the idea, if that’s what she wanted to do, I was concerned that our precious time together would be hindered. That we wouldn’t be able to dig in to each other as deeply as is our norm. Crisis averted. Of course she understood. And life goes on.

As the day wore on and I retold the interaction to my youngest, I realized that was not the end. I had not dug deep enough here, or there wouldn’t still be so much emotion in my voice as I repeated the words. Then as I answered questions from my youngests boyfriend about what my OBF was like, it hit me. The wisdom was revealed.

While I really don’t want to share my OBF during our limited times together, it was more about spending a weekend with someone I had not met before. And specifically about meeting her with my OBF. I do this thing when I meet new people, where I dampen my light some. I will reign in my opinions, my views, my eccentricities in order to appear more ‘likable’, as many women of my era were raised to do. Yes, it is a conscious choice to break that cycle and teach my children differently.

That is my comfort zone in new situations though. And I still revert back to it more often than not. Yet that weekend? That weekend, with my OBF, no masks would be allowed. I know her well enough to realize she wouldn’t let me hide. Through no fault of her own. It’s just her way. And I love her for it! But it was not a place I was willingly going to go. Because if I couldn’t wear a mask, how would I hide it if I found I didn’t like this person that I know is important to her?

This is where the emotion had truly come from. From loving her too damn much. From knowing she would remove my mask, the only thing that could save me if the situation went awry. Had it been anyone else, it wouldn’t have mattered as much. But it wasn’t anyone else. It was her, my OBF.

The person I can’t hide from. The person who sees my darkest shadows. The person who accepts me just as I am.

What can old friends give you? Everything! For they won’t let you be someone you’re not.

Arise WILD!

~Wild Serenity Healing