Letting go (a little): The power of self reflection

How are you with letting someone else take the lead and being ok to stand back? Inner reflection might be hard. Letting go of control is often even harder.

There are two types of people out there. Those that ask for help. And those that don’t want to be perceived as weak, who want to be self-sufficient, and so rarely ask for anything more than guidance. People who want to do it themselves. That resilience and determination is an amazing quality to have! Yet over the years, if not tended to, it can grow out of bounds like any other quality. When it does, it often melds into something that has the person looking more like a ‘Control Freak’ than the average Jo.

To say I might have been a control freak most of my life would be an understatement. A rather large one at that. I didn’t set out aiming to need to do everything myself. It just morphed into something that was out of my control. (kinda sounds like an addict, huh?) In a way, that’s exactly what consistent exposure to control is. An addiction. I was addicted to knowing it was done right (which of course meant doing it my way). I was addicted to knowing every detail of the steps involved in the process (that way I could fix it without help in the future). I was addicted to the pride in having done the unexpected (shine that inner light!).

Enter my endeavor into self reflection, shadow work and inner healing…

As I leaned into the art of self reflection, and took an honest look at who I was, how I acted, what my patterns were, some obvious patterns started coming to light for me.

I had started out just needing to get things done. Get things done quickly and cheaply. Single moms don’t have time to waste. Single moms don’t have money to waste. And often the last thing they want is to expose others to the chaos that is their world, that’s in their homes (as it would just bring potential judgment- which none of us needs).

My dad had always taught me ways to be handy, and do things on my own, when I was growing up. He did remodeling and woodwork for a large chunk of his life. I would spend weekend after weekend with him, watching, as he remodeled bathrooms and worked in his woodshop. And my mom, a single mother herself, was big on learning to be self-sufficient and encouraging us to be the same.

And so began my adventure towards control…

I learned. I practiced. I experimented. Honing my ability to do most anything around the house that needed to be done. All steps I still do today, as I continue to build my database of skills. None of these actions being ‘bad’ in their own right. Yet, through serious inner work, I was beginning to see how the combination of growing my own skills, having a ravenous appetite for independence, and my penchant for dating ‘un-handy’ men was culminating in a thunderous tsunami that would soon impact my health.

Let me pause to paint a picture here…

I was a woman who was a single mother of 3 young children. I was a nurse that managed facilities within the nursing home industry. Always on call, always needed by someone. A woman who was known to wake up on a Saturday and decide the carpet needed to be ripped up, or the chimney for the house needed to be moved! (yep I did that one!) And failure was simply NOT an option.

So I learned how to refinish floors, build walls from stud to finish coat, do tile/brick work and many many other renovation skills.

Yet the men I dated? Ugh! They tried, I give them that. But they couldn’t spackle, build or fix the sink, and it infuriated me when they tried. So I entered the era of ‘Doing it Myself’. Outside of my dad, I really didn’t trust anyone to do things the right way. Or to do things with the quickness I needed. (Remember I am running facilities here, I need projects to get done the same day) What a toxic mindset I had! Such toxic expectations of others.

I was trying to let go though, as I started my inner work. The kids and I decided to refinish the basement. And we planned together, demolished together and were rebuilding a functioning space. We were about 2 months into it, when that dark voice within me started whispering in my ear. “Do you see that the nail is crooked?” “Do you see that stud is ¼-inch short?” Good grief! We weren’t going to be premiered on HGTV! It was a basement that only we were going to be in. But the voice kept on whispering. And I started working on the project even when the kids weren’t around. Just as a prep thing at first, then just a little after they were done for the day. And before you knew it I was working in that basement from the time I got up until I went to bed. Doing things by myself that needed 2 people. Doing things manually when I should have borrowed an electric tool.

The end result? I had to have shoulder surgery. Couldn’t use my dominant arm normally for 9 months before the surgery, and to this day there are arm movements that I can no longer do. Weight limits to what I can pick up. And worst of all- no repetitive motions! (How’s a girl supposed to hammer?!)

But I had done it to myself. I had pushed everyone away so that I could have control over everything. And the reward was that I needed everyone because I was not to do anything with my arm (and that basement was still half done, not to mention the routine things around the house which I could no longer do).

The challenge came in as I aged. As my body no longer moves the way I want it to. As my doctors put restrictions on what I ‘should’ be doing. As my children hold me to those restrictions (which quite honestly sucks!).

But the growth… that came only with self reflection. And that self reflection is helping me to let go (a little).

So, rather unwillingly, I give in from time to time now. I’m not happy about it — at all! But I’m trying to be smart so the ‘Do Not Do’ list doesn’t get any bigger. When we purchased the new sink and counter for the kitchen, I asked another for help. When he started the process of installing it, I heard the whispers start in my ear. And in that moment I chose to be better than I was in the past. I chose to grow. I chose to start healing my toxic ways.

I walked away…literally.

It was hard to do. Sure the inner reflection was hard, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I mean letting go of control, that was really hard for me to do! Yet, in order to put what I had learned to use I needed to take action. And I need to keep taking action. With every opportunity I give myself to practice this new behavior, I also give myself the opportunity to be proud, to build resilience, to grow my compassion. Those are powerful gifts to be able to give yourself.

So I encourage you to dive deep, and take an honest look inside yourself. Where do your habits lay? Are they compassionate habits, or might there be one or two that come from a slightly darker place within you? How might your life, your view of the world, look different if you accepted the power that can come with reflecting and bringing about changes in yourself?

The possibilities are endless!

Arise WILD!

~Wild Serenity Healing