I want someone to love me like my dog…no licking please!

I’ve been moving through this ‘dating’ saga for a hot minute now. And it is EXHAUSTING!

Brutal honesty? This is me: Married (and divorced) twice, engaged two additional times. Multiple long term relationships along the way. Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve! And I’m damn proud of that! Even if it looks bad on paper.

Eh- it’s just paper.

The real magik (or darkness) happens when you’re face to face with ‘the other one’.

Sure, some might say I’ve been in more than my fair share of the ‘less than desirable’ relationships. But I don’t necessarily see it that way. Have they all been great? Nope! But they have all led me to be a better person, a stronger person, someone I might not have otherwise found.

Over the years I have grown, from the once quiet, accommodating, meek-willed young woman into the haggard old crone I am today. Ha! Ok, maybe I’m not quite at the crone stage, yet, but I feel her wanting to come out. Some days more than others. To swat at the noisy birds (or men) with her broom. Tell them to shut their beaks and stop puffing their chests. To chase the bothersome squirrels (or man child) from her yard as he tries to steal more of her food, more of her time, and create distraction after distraction.

I joke, yet I have grown. From each of those relationships I changed.

Young love gave me the opportunity (however slight) to live out the childhood fantasy. You know the one, white picket fence, 2.5 kids, a dog. We had family picnics, holiday parties and smiled in every photo. And a lot of it really was ideal. Many of those smiles were real. Unfortunately, the areas where we didn’t fit were too wide and expansive to overcome. But boy did we try to overcome them, probably too many times.

Young love also taught me that I am not made for those white picket fences. I was good at it, but it wasn’t me. I was going through the motions, and those motions only served to feed my resentment. I loved him, heart and soul, but both of us were living out a version of ourselves that didn’t exist. Not if we were honest with each other and the reflection in the mirror.

Rushed love let me pull the blinders to my life back down. To not acknowledge what didn’t fit about that previous idyllic life, to look away from the parts of myself that had shown up. I was still too caught up in societal norms, and doing what I was supposed to, to be bothered by eccentric tendencies. And rushing in provided me with the distractions I needed to stay foolishly oblivious. Those distractions, however, weren’t great. Alcoholism, mental disorders, abuse. We never fit, but had things in common- which mistakenly made it feel like it could fit, if only…

My next venture was with friendship. You know what you need to remember about friends though? They don’t always have the same, or even similar expectations or standards as you. And as you might guess, while you should always be friends with your partner, not every friend can be a partner.

The time with the narcissist was the most transformative though. Or should I say the time after him. Now, I will accept my part in the implosion of my world (and that is not the narcissist’s influence talking). That is me taking ownership of my actions, even if they were subconscious. At that time in my life I was overwhelmed, exhausted, eyes fully open to the eccentric ways I wanted to live my life. Eyes fully open to just how off course I was from that life. Making small shifts just had not worked.

So I gave in to his controlling tendencies and let my world implode. I gave up, gave in, went weak and fell down. In the end I found the strength to get back up. Leave him. Untangle myself from him. And in the process rebuild my life more aligned to those eccentric ways I longed for. Something I’m not sure would have happened had it not all fallen apart.

Now I didn’t innately see the lessons (the magik) I was being shown at the time I went through each of these dark times. It is only with the wisdom of hindsight and distance that I can take the insights, without emotion, and learn from them.

I stand tall now. Fierce in my own power. Knowledge in hand that I don’t need someone else in my life to make it complete. But it sure would be nice to have someone to share it with!

And I want that person to love me like my dog. Seriously!

Happy to see me. Snuggles me when I’m sad. Gives me space when I’m ornery. Keeps me warm at night. And is content doing his own thing. (As long as he isn’t sniffing around other dogs tails!)

The real trick is being open to what that type of person might look like. I’ve never seen it, so I don’t know what I’m looking for. And I guess that means it will be important to stay open to new experiences.

Can I do that? Have I learned enough to be successful with it? Fingers crossed!

Arise WILD!

~Wild Serenity